Cooking Mama: Dragon Slayer
by Blaaa41
Summary: Atop the Great Mountain of Burning Vengeance sit the Heinous Towers of Eternal Torment. Locked away high atop the last of the spires is a beast which no mortal man has ever seen before: Kerplunk, the Dragon of Limitless Decay. This fiend has tormented the people of Mordor, Nebraska for dozens of centuries, but finally a warrior of unparalleled skill has risen up against all odds.
1. Chapter 1

Lightning flared, thunder crashed. Cooking Mama plunged her sanguine Dread Glaive through the heart of the Knight of Terror. Another one down, another three to go. Swinging the pole-arm in a wide arc, she cut the throats of two of the remaining knights, black phlegm pouring from their gaping throat-wounds. With a mighty shout, the final knight brandished his greatsword, charging towards Cooking Mama, but to no avail; before he could make contact with his foe, his head had already exploded in a shower of crimson gore because of Cooking Mama's telekinetic assault.

Wiping the black ichor off of her Dread Glaive, Cooking Mama entered the last of the Heinous Towers of Eternal Torment. This would not be an easy climb. Readying her Dread Glaive in one hand, she inserted the Key of Misery into the Lock of Soulless Nights. She knew what was to come next. Elloal, Dread Lord of the Towers of Eternal Torment materialized from the fiery black pits of Hell, drawing his Katana of Endless Famine. "YOU HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BY COMING HERE, COOKING MAMA," hissed the Dread Lord. "SURELY YOU KNEW IT WOULD ONLY BE YOUR END. YOU COULD NEVER HOPE TO MATCH ME IN SINGLE COMBAT." but this didn't phase Cooking Mama. She refuted his statement with silence and a blink, the best counter of all. With this, he parted his blighted lips and began to sing the bloodcurdling song to end all life on earth.

Cooking Mama threw her Glaive at the Dread Lord, but he knocked the crimson pole arm away with his Katana like it was nothing more than a paper airplane made out of Glaive, which it was. Cooking Mama knew this would happen, however, and was already behind him, brandishing the Dagger of Strife which she had earlier taken off of the slimy corpse of Mellwark the Ludicrous. The Dread Lord anticipated this move, though, and wrenched around, swinging his Katana in a violent rage. Cooking Mama stepped backwards just in time, but his Katana skimmed the flesh of her forehead, and her soul began to pour through the wound. Clenching her teeth, Cooking Mama did the only thing she knew would assure her victory: she let out a bloodcurdling screech like that of a pterodactyl, and her most faithful servant emerged from the deepest pits of the Black Abyss: Guy Fieri.

"Dread Lord Elloal, we meet again." Fieri cawed in a guttural tone. The Dread Lord did not react, simply turning to stare intently into the eyes of the young chef and point his katana. Guy Fieri continued speaking, despite the transfixing gaze of the Dread Lord. "And although you may have bested me last time, it won't happen again." With this Guy Fieri plunged his hand into a black nothingness which appeared out of nowhere, and pulled a pair of spiked gauntlets out of it. He put them on, rushing towards the Dread Lord with a mighty howl akin to the sound of a bunch of marbles in a blender. He swung his right fist at the Dread Lord, but his straight was blocked by a katana. Fieri followed up his first attack with a left hook, but the Dread Lord did a backflip and caught Fieri's fist between his thighs. Fieri swung the back of his right hand towards the Dread Lord with extreme prejudice, but the Dread Lord blocked with his Katana again. Fieri's strike was harder than the Dread Lord expected, though, and it knocked the Katana away from him, sticking into the nearby sofa. The Dread Lord released Fieri's hand from the vice-grip of his thighs.

Fieri and the Dread Lord circled one another, each of the men silently willing the other to strike first. Finally, Fieri gave in, and lashed his fist out violently towards the Dread Lord. The Dread Lord caught his fist, and then when Fieri swung the other one, he caught it as well. Guy Fieri let out a silent, "Damn it..." and the Dread Lord suplexed Guy Fieri so hard that he exploded. Cooking Mama was not sad that Guy Fieri was dead, though, because Guy Fieri was a creature of Satan, and would regenerate over the course of a year.

As the Dread Lord prepared to do a victory lap around the Heinous Tower of Eternal Torment, Cooking Mama's fist made contact with the Dread Lord's throat. Staggered, the Dread Lord stumbled backwards into the sofa. Cooking Mama picked up her Glaive off of the ground, and the Dread Lord drew his Katana out of the sofa. "Give up, Dread Lord. Guy Fieri's assault weakened you. You've tired yourself out." The Dread Lord's answer to this was to throw himself off of the couch and towards Cooking Mama, swinging the Katana in a horizontal line in front of him. Cooking Mama blocked this with the handle of her Glaive, and pulled the Katana out of his hands. The Dread Lord fell to his knees in awe of Cooking Mama, and began to sob uncontrollably. This did nothing to stop Cooking Mama's fury as she forced the Glaive through the skull of the Dread Lord.


	2. Chapter 2

Forty-three thousand three-hundred and nine, forty-three thousand three-hundred and ten, forty-three thousand three-hundred and eleven. Although it had taken her all of twelve minutes, Cooking Mama finally climbed the final stair: she had, at last, reached the top of the final Heinous Tower of Eternal Torment. Something wasn't right, and Cooking Mama noticed it. And then, she saw the blur of motion. Without missing a beat, she did a back handspring down twenty-one of the stairs, and the shuriken whizzed over the arc her body made. Cooking Mama used her telekinetic powers to vanish into thin air, where she pulled out a hammer. She was the walls, the floor, the ceiling, and yet, none of these at all. She observed the events going on at the top of the Heinous Tower of Eternal Torment.

Six Ninjas of Seething Hate, clad in black and lime green jumpsuits, stood in a hexagon-formation around the room at the top of the Tower. This was three times more than Cooking Mama had ever faced before, but she wasn't worried. She wasn't worried at all. Returning to existence, she brought her hammer down on top of one of the Ninjas' heads, splitting his skull open like a ripe melon. As expected, there was no blood; only the black gook which flowed through the veins of every one of Kerplunk's minions. As the first Ninja crumbled to the ground in a heap, the other five didn't hesitate to spring into action. They were on her like bark on a tree, each of them slashing with deadly speed and precision; however, Cooking Mama was a fraction faster. In the nanoseconds it had taken them to reach her, she had grown four extra arms, each of which had drawn it's own sword, parrying.

Two of the Ninjas were not expecting this counterattack, and they were stricken through the black voids which they had instead of hearts. They died instantly. This left three Ninjas, but they would be more prepared than the others, now that they had seen what they thought to be the full potential of Cooking Mama. Suddenly, Cooking Mama grew twelve feet taller and six feet wider around. She was now shaped like some sort of makeshift totem pole with three increments, each of which brandished a sword in it's own pair of arms. The three Ninjas hopped towards her, swinging their katanas, but to no avail: Tri-Tier Cooking Mama blocked all of their shots with ease, disarming one of the Ninjas and plunging a sword through his throat. The two remaining Ninjas flanked Tri-Tier Cooking Mama. She returned to her regular size, and her extra arms returned to her body. Now, she wielded one sword in either hand, and the Ninjas circled her. Each of them lashed out at the same time, slamming their swords aggressively in her general direction, but she blocked every shot. This continued on for several minutes: the Ninjas would strike; Cooking Mama would guard, biding her time until one of them made a mistake. Finally, that moment came. One of the Ninjas faltered by half of a second, and Cooking Mama took her chance. Cooking Mama unhinged her jaw as she teleported behind the fifth Ninja, and she unleashed a vast scream. Along with it, as expected, came black veins of sinister lightning by which the fifth Ninja was pierced, dying instantaneously.

Re-hinging her jaw, Cooking Mama spoke to the final Ninja. "This ends now. I have slain five of your comrades; you know you stand no chance against my might." She hissed, but the Ninja wasn't offset by her threat. He dropped his katana, and it clattered to the ground. "Cooking Mama, do you take us for fools...?" he asked in a low growl, but before she could answer, he kept speaking "We knew you would come, Cooking Mama." His voice was getting louder. "We took certain steps to ensure your defeat, and you've played exactly into the trap we set up!" Screaming now, he tore his own shirt off with his bare hands. "Good luck! Have fun!" He shrieked, and suddenly, something shadowey burst from his chest.

Hitting the ground with a dull _thud_, it became ooze-like and began to contort and expand, taking the form of a humanoid similar in height and proportions to Cooking Mama. Impossibly strong and fast, it slammed it's fist into Cooking Mama's solar plexus before she had the chance to even notice it coming towards her. She collapsed to the ground onto her hands and knees, stunned and gasping for breath. The Shadow stood in front of Cooking Mama, and it made a noise which Cooking Mama interpreted as _Surrender_. She had a simple answer to this: "Never." The shadow kicked her in the forehead and she flew backwards, her back slamming against the wall of the Heinous Tower. _You can put a stop to this._ It garbled, _give up your quest and go home._ A pause. Cooking Mama smirked. _What's so funny, foolish woman?_ It inquired, but it was answered with Cooking Mama's broad smile. _Answer my question, mortal scum!_ It implored, but Cooking Mama only began to laugh.

Although it was more of a giggle at first, it was quickly a chuckle, and then it became houling evil laughter the likes of which is only heard approximately once every decade. She rose, to stand. "Mortal scum?" She slammed her fist into the Shadow, and it flew backwards with a yelp of surprise, landing supine. Lightning-fast, she stood over it, forcing her boot-clad foot against the Shadow's throat. "Me, mortal?!" She shifted her feet, kicking it in the temple like a soccer ball. "You obviously haven't ever heard of me!" At this, a wicked maul appeared in Cooking Mama's hands. "I! Am! Cooking Mama!" She swung the maul. The Shadow went flying through the wall of the Heinous Tower, where it landed off in the distance on the side of the Great Mountain of Burning Vengeance, impaled upon a pike. Cooking Mama watched through the hole in the wall it created, as the Shadow dissipated into the air around it's final resting place. Cooking Mama turned away, walking to the center of the room. "Kerplunk, Dragon of Limitless Decay! I have slain your final and most powerful minion! Make your presence known!" Thunder crashed, lightning flared. The Dragon of Limitless Decay appeared.


End file.
